I have to write this now because I know me, once I have experienced something so powerful and healing, I move on and cannot articulate it in words again. It resides in the depths of my healed brain and in the core of my soul, and that I cannot find words for once it has taken it’s place within.
I am currently doing hypnotherapy for PTSD. Mine is from multiple things. I think we all have it to some degree, Especially after the last several years I don’t know who couldn’t have it.
Hypnotherapy is really cool. If you don’t know about it, I highly recommend it with a person you feel you can trust. You’re not in some weird trance, I always feel fully myself and present, it isn’t even like I expected it to be before I began. In a good way.
For me, it has been working with my therapist and getting to a point where talk therapy carried me so far and I needed more. I can very easily tap into my logic, my heart, my strengths, my weakness, but I needed something that reached a part of my brain that made me feel like I didn’t have to work so hard doing all of the above.
This has been magic for me. Last week I began and it has been so incredibly powerful, there is a peace I carried around that I don’t know if I ever had internally. I had bouts of it, powerful moments in life that brought it on, but nothing that carried me daily.
Today’s session was intense. In the best way. There is a part where he walks me into a room and he gets to a part where there is a man, and a little girl. I know immediately who the man is, I see him right away, it’s my Dad, and he places his hand on my shoulder to let me know I’m protected. I can see his hands perfectly, I can feel them. Tears of comfort roll down my cheeks as he walks me through this moment.
I still don’t know who this little girl he mentioned in the beginning is.
When he says that my Dad is walking back over to his spot in the room, the tears roll this time, “Don’t leave” I think to myself. I start to feel him leaving and am reminded through this visualization that he’s not leaving, he’s still right there, the deep breaths come in for me as though my body is doing the work while I stay in this moment.
Then my therapist brings the little girl up to me, I still don’t know who this is. Then he says it’s Me.
She places her little warm hand on my back, she says she supports me, we have each other, we have each other.
Then I begin to cry so hard my stomach is shaking.
Through all of this, you are very present, very much aware, seemingly very awake. But the feelings you get, I have not been able to tap into that depth on my own ever.
I’m actually sitting there wanting to cry even harder, simultaneously wondering why. What is this? Why does it make me this sad.
Years ago I had read a book where the woman talked about an exercise where you sit down and across from you there is the child version of you. And you can sit on the one side as adult you and talk to the child, and sit on the other side and talk as your little self.
The point in this is you get to find out what little you wanted or needed, and what big you can offer now. And vice versa. What can little you offer you as a reminder of who you are, what you need. It’s all about healing and it works like you wouldn’t believe.
The other exercise I did years ago, was to look in the mirror and talk to the child you and assure them that whatever they needed, if ever there was a time they needed something and may not have gotten it, here you are.. an adult, and you can give them what they needed. Protection, comfort, whatever it is, you are the adult with the power now to give that little girl or boy what they need.
This one was also powerful for me, as when I went to look in the mirror, I just started crying. I had a hard time looking myself in the eyes. I didn’t really know why this was so hard for me. Probably because I like to think I am strong and already fought all my battles or something, I really don’t know to this day why that was so hard in that moment. I think I had a lot of pain I realized I hadn’t truly healed from. And I saw it in my eyes. But I moved through it with this exercise and I helped that girl, both the little and adult one.
I have passed along this idea to anyone who needed it and wanted it over the years. It’s really awesome.
The key is… that the little person needs to feel good, so the adult can, but most importantly, that you are doing this for yourself, as only you can. And you are more willing to do it for child you because you can help them right? You’re the grown up now. You’re powerful now. You can protect from here on out, etc. And the lesson too is, you’ve always been you.
For me personally, I was spunky, fun, confident, I loved being around friends, in the early years of my life I typically had one main best friend and then others I valued immensely, but felt closest to one.
I was proud of my resilience and my self esteem, my humor. I smiled, all the time. Even when I’d get bored I’d just imagine cameras were recording my life, which made boring walks home from school feel much more interesting. And this was long before reality tv was even a thing or thought on anyone’s mind.
But adult me…. she has been searching for those qualities to come back and stick as they were so concrete before. And that became work. And that’s when I started to do the work years ago.
Today, that little girl, me… was standing there with her little warm hand on my back as I shook crying in the chair with tears coming from my closed eyes like a slow waterfall down to my neck.
After he walked me through everything and it was time to open my eyes I felt this immense relief. Not sadness, relief.
I came out in peace and started to drive home, thinking of it all. It hit me why I cried so hard when little me walked up. Why I didn’t know who the little girl in this visual would be…
And there was my answer… I had forgotten about her. I had completely forgotten about her. And when I saw her again, I realized that I had forgotten about me, entirely.
On a conscious level I knew this for a long time, I have been working on that for years, I feel like it’s every mother I’ve ever met who goes through some form of that.
But subconsciously this struck me hard. A reminder that all of the things I’ve always been… the best version of me that’s always been there, I forgot her. So much so that even a meditation mentioning a little girl had me wondering who the heck he was going to say this is.
I’m not even sure if I’m articulating it that well right now. The depths of the goodness in this realization. And the tears that needed to hit and flow freely for me to get there. To remember her. To remember me. To bring her back in and never forget her not for one second.
How could I have forgotten her? And as she placed her hand on my back, I didn’t think “Don’t go” I thought, “Yes. We are together, we’ll always be together, I’ve got this”
And as I drove home realizing what all of it meant to me…I also felt me coming back, the me that laughs, smiles a lot, doesn’t lead with anything but goodness and appreciation for the moment. Knows I can get through anything and little me reminded me it’s not “work” it’s who we’ve always been and it doesn’t feel like work now. That kiddo did it flawlessly without being phased, and today she came to heal me. She is me. It’s all in me.
Ultimately that was the point of today, and this therapy in general. Is to get myself back, to remember I protect me, I support me, I don’t need outside sources (although they’re wonderful to have).
I had been feeling very meek, very scared, very aimless/floating anxiety is what I learned they call it. This feeling that you can’t get grounded and you’re desperately searching for any outside source to make you feel that way (grounded, safe). To jump in and save you. All my prayers and complete resolve to give it to God have certainly been the most powerful, but he uses this tool as well to get me where I’m going in therapy, and even then there were days I just couldn’t shake that feeling of “Someone please come protect me, help me, universe let up on me for a bit!”
Today that all went away. Today I feel protected, for me, by me, and that’s what I need. That’s what I needed so bad. To make it concrete what I’ve always known… It’s me, I’m the source of the goodness and safety I crave.
Oh and the part where my Dad put his hand on my shoulder. And I could see it like it was in life, big, strong, strong veins, protective…. he said “It’s in you now”
The protection his very presence on earth always made me feel. The protection I was desperately searching anywhere to feel, clinging to the fact that I know he’s still around me, but it still feeling helpless at times… Ahh.. it’s in me.
I hope you try the exercises you can do on your own. Even if it feels weird or silly, I’m telling you they are life altering in the absolute best way. We cannot heal the world, but we can heal ourselves, which in turn, can heal things beyond our personal scope, which in the long run I believe, would heal the world.
I looked for the picture I have in real life of what I looked like when it was revealed to me during the meditation that the little girl was me…. This was the exact visual…
And in the back, you can see right over my shoulder.. is my Dad.
I am always protected. I have always been powerful in wonderful ways. I can rely on me.
Same goes for you.
Little you, and big you.
With Love,
Jamie