The grief we don’t speak… (don’t worry, these blogs will be fun and funny sometimes too, sometimes within the ones that sound too deep to feel like reading)
I’ve been thinking lately about the grief we don’t speak of… the kind where life’s transitions are just happening as they should and we’re just living and dealing, and there’s a grief happening that we don’t even address. Possibly we aren’t even aware of it.
For me specifically, currently.. it has been several things but today I’m going to talk about one.
My babies. My babies who are now 10 and 15.
In the last several months it has really become evident to me that I was struggling with some grief underneath the surface of obvious grief from losing my Dad (losing a parent, that is a whole something in itself).
I noticed that Grace my little one, who I still see as around 6, is getting too long to hold. She’s petite so I got to hold her close for longer than most. But now she’s grown more, and I’m realizing we have now passed that stage where I can hold her whole self as close as I once did. Not because of her age, but because physically you can’t hold a 10 year old like a baby, or even a small 9 year old. For this, I grieve.
Am I excited for my kids to get older, yes, I have always been. Whether it be desperately wanting to not clean bottles anymore, or pay for diapers, or have to change them…. or to see where their personalities will go, how funny will they be? How fun it is to do different things with them.
But I realized I had a big chunk to grieve too when we hit these ages. Grace is rightfully so, acting more like a big kid. Alivia is a teenager now. Full fledged teenager. It’s been awhile since I could hold her as I described above.
Isn’t this weird I thought? How we go through these times and there’s not a lot of speaking about how this too is a grieving process. Or giving ourselves the time and grace to just feel it and move through it. It can be painful. It can be hard. It can be happy and sad all rolled into a ball that’s rolling so fast you don’t see it go by. But the feeling is there. And for awhile I couldn’t pinpoint it. Every thing else had been so hard I didn’t even get the chance.
Alivia’s personality is slightly different in these years… appropriately so.
But you go fast from them needing you in every moment to what feels like overnight, having to flip an impossible switch to them not wanting to need you, yet still needing you. That isn’t always the best feeling.
Trust me I don’t grieve being needed constantly, it is something I never grew up desiring or needing myself. That part of parenting was a hard adjustment for me, harder than I thought it would be. But I adjusted and then BAM! Go back to the other way Jay. Oof.
Stories I tell about myself are corny to my teen and Grace seems to look like she’s sympathetically listening, like you would to a friend talk about their “glory days” for the 100th time LOL
But this is what I have to offer I thought, like these are the ages I have so much to offer to still…
This is what’s kept me from blogging for so long, I have so much to say that like the sun’s rays in a kid’s drawing… I’m shooting out in all sorts of directions.
But I’m not letting it stop me this time. I’m just going to write like I would talk to you.
I’m tired of using the word grief. That’s the truth, but it’s the only word I have for this. It’s what it feels like. I’m living in the moment (which I’ve worked hard at doing most of my adult life) and I just recently realized I was shuffling through this grief that we don’t talk about. So I wanted to share in case you are too.
My kids are really great people. They really are. And even in the teen years, I’ve got a really great kid. And there is so much good that comes with both of them getting older… but how long you wanna read today? 😉
I’m just saying it’s tough Moms and Dads.. it’s tough. So give yourself some grace today as you realize the things you may have grieved silently. Some grace for knowing that your heart missing those big squishy hugs so you squeeze a big kid now. That the look of fascination when you’d speak is replaced by one that makes you wonder what they pick up on now. That those smiles, are now more hard fought because you’re telling a “Dad joke”… I’ve coined the term Mom joke now because apparently I’m corny in a different way than Dads, I’ve been told by my teen.
Which brings me to another point… we can grieve it, and we should. Because doing so has allowed me to transition into this next phase… where I’m really starting to learn from them. Where Alivia’s intellectual maturity is not only astounding to me, but of great comfort. Where Grace will make me laugh like a grown up, and offer hugs when no one else in the room can sense how bad I need it.
So grieve it, and get excited for what’s next.
I would love it if you ask me about anything you’d like to hear about. You can contact me by going to the home page and hitting CONTACT, it goes directly, and only to me. And anonymity is always assumed unless you’d like otherwise. I appreciate you reading.
This is an antiquated way of doing things in present time and I get no instant feedback that I’m doing well, or anyone is interested or anything. I just write my heart and thoughts, and it goes out there and I don’t know who I’m reaching. So I would love any feedback and any questions.
I hope with this new eclipse we all start to feel and keep faith in these big transitions life is tossing us. I know that I am having some wonderful moments, and some incredibly difficult ones.
I know that the space I once held for potential new friends has shown me that it was meant to be held for the most special, exceptional people, and they have come into my life and I feel incredibly grateful, appreciative, and seen. It has been a reminder to me the gold will come to me in life. As my therapist put it, sometimes it’s like sifting through billions of pieces of sand and you find the little gold nugget. I also liked when he gave me the visual during meditation of little bits of gold behind trees, waiting to be able to catch up with me, and at any moment they will.
I’m excited for What’s Next. I’m excited for you to get your gold too.