Just when you think things are getting better… and they are…. something almost impales you. lol Literally. I’m not laughing at that because it was terrifying, I am laughing because I thought… does this happen to everyone or just me? My husband often laughs at my luck.
He’ll show up late for something and find a front row parking spot and waltz in. I’ll show up 10 minutes early, search for a spot, find one a mile away, run to the place, show up sweating and 2 minutes late, and it goes on and on lol
So my friend generously offered to take me golfing on her “rain checks” she had from a course in the city. This made me so happy, I have been wanting to get back on the course for 16 years.
I used to play competitively in high school, and we used to play as a family when I was growing up, and I just loved every bit of it. Being outside, doing something I’m good at, being active is what I have always craved, and craved the most lately.
We got set up with a stranger to keep the course moving along. He was a really nice guy.
In being home for 15 years with the kids, I found I not only had anxiety, but social anxiety, and even driving to a place to meet someone felt painful, or too stressful… that’s a whole post of it’s own, and I will share, because it is so important.
But today it’s about this…
So we played 9 holes. It was beautiful weather, it was fun, it was great company. I felt amazing.
I felt really lucky to do it too in a time I have no money for anything like it.
I still use my clubs from High School because my parents had them custom made for me and I’m still the same height. I didn’t even know they made hybrids now, that’s how long it’s been. My friend said I need new clubs. And I’m sure my game would be better, but I still feel special using these.
So I’m driving home and the map tells me to go on Telegraph. I have hated this road for years, and I try not to use the word hate, but this road has terrified me since before I had anxiety. Not just that, but it’s just always been a stressor for me to drive it.
I’m driving along feeling wonderful after good company, being outdoors, realizing my social anxiety which was crippling for the last several years, is finally dissipating, if not entirely gone. I’m also realizing I’m totally fine, I’m driving Telegraph and I’m actually calm and enjoying my music.
I credit this to when I was on my closet floor crying (see WELCOME post) and I told God I was giving it all to him. And this time I truly meant it and I’m sticking to it.
AND here it comes folks…. the irony…. I have learned to laugh in the face of irony because what the heck else can you do?
I’m going along the curve in the road with another lane of traffic, we’re all doing 50, some more… and from the other direction, within seconds, I see a pickup truck that looked like it had just been in an accident… speeding … and large metal, plastic, glass debris hits the pickup in front of me and I see it flying at me, I put my arm up in front of my face and clench my eyes as I hear it hit and see this big metal thing and more coming at my windshield.. mind you, we’re all still going 50 mph, this is how fast it all happened.
I hear crashes on my car and the debris hitting the ground. We’re all trying to slow down and pull up for safety. I was sure I was about to get impaled, or knocked out at best. I was positive it was coming through the windshield. I honestly believe it had to have been a guardian angel, or my Dad, like a scene from a movie, where you get the perspective of seeing the angel swoop in and stop something from happening. I believe it 100% because when I pulled over I saw my hood had a huge dent in it, like the size of a head, and that very stuff had the directional force right to my windshield. When I got home it gave me chills because I looked at my windshield and all that was there was a scratch from where something almost went through.. and it was right in front of where my face was.
So you may be wondering, as Grace did, when I shared this with her to help her anxiety… how does this help? As she laughs with me because I knew she would say that I know it seems like a deranged way to help lol
It helps because….. I worried for 15 straight years I had to take that road. I was scared to death every time I drove Alivia (who’s now almost 15) to preschool on that road. I was scared when I drove that road home from a part time job I had at a tv station there. I would avoid that road whenever I could, and when I couldn’t.. I was nothing short of panicking and terrified. For 15 years! and did anything happen? NO
Was I driving it today.. with no worries, and in the glory of the feeling of peace that I gave it to God and I finally feel free and not scared, and happy even…. and this happened… YES
Did worrying prepare me for that moment? NO
Did not worrying allow it to happen NO… it allowed me peace
Am I OK? YES
So whenever I go to worry, or Grace feels anxious, I remind us both of this. Fear is the killer of good feelings. To go deeper, fear is the killer of any kind of good.
Fear is what kept me from writing this blog for years. Fear is what has kept me from being all that I was made to be, from being who I am, from striving. Fear is a killer. So no more fear for me (it won’t stop today or even in all moments of one day) It’s just then when it creeps in, I volley it back up to God and know there’s a purpose for all things.
Because I can tell you it was definitely not fear operating in that split second moment. And fear didn’t keep me from being impaled.
I hope today you have no fear. And peace knowing you are protected.